How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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