He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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