I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
