Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
