No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize