Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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