wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize