So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
