My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
