im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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