Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
