Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
