Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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