So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
