Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I use my feet as sexual weapons
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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