The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
so much tequila, so little girl.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I want a musical about memes.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
