if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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