My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
