She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
