if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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