Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
