She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize