After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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