My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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