when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
