Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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