So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
