Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
