who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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