why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
