I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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