You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
