What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
