I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
