Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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