i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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