guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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