Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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