Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize