yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
