This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
