we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
