she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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