dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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