ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
