hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
