You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
