Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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