he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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