i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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