I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
