yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
