What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
