Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
