I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
